Ok, I'm updating my journal again... My life is quite miserable these days... Being alone is misery after all... Lately I feel I'm in despair... And that's because, I don't really know what to do.

Lately I'm starting to believe that I'm fundamentally a loner. Although I don't want to accept that, it seems that inside me I'm not the guy who socializes from his bottom of his heart. Everything begins with the (bad) assumption, that you are different than others... If you really get to believe that, then you have difficulties to connect with most people... Why? Where although it feel like, everyone is rejecting you,I think that what it really happens is that you are rejecting everyone around you. You see, since everyone around you is different than yourself, you can't feel like getting really close to most people. You believe that there are 2 kind of people: Normal people (which they either suck, or they are better than you, according to you of course), and people who are similar to you, which means that since they have the same "problem" they can understand you, so they are from "your own kind". And the point here is that these people are rare, or that is the thing you want to believe at least.

So if you are in your own little world, you have 3 choices. The first choice is to stay alone for the rest of your life. It's the easiest choice but at the same time the most miserable, in my opinion at least. The second choice is to try to imitate the behavior of others around you, so you can appeal that you are conforming to their norms. In simplest terms, this would be interpreted by most people as hypocrisy. And the third choice is that you get out of your world, really change your point of views and actually conform to one group, or to the people around you. The third choice is the most healthy one, possibly the one that will let you free, the one that will stop you from being a loner. But is in some cases incredibly difficult to achieve.

I'm afraid that what I was doing and still doing until now, is the second choice. I was trying to imitate the behavior of the people around me. You see my behavior was supposed to be incompatible with the people around me, so doing whatever it was on my head was out of the question. The problem is, that people differ. So which "group" is supposed to be right? Obviously this is something subjective, but the idea here is conform with the ideas of the group or people you are currently into. But this is what makes you a hypocrite: Because you act according to the liking of others, and you don't show your "true" self. But wait a minute... By trying to conform, isn't that an effort to get rid of your loneliness? Isn't "changing" a good thing here? Well... Here is the problem. That 1) you don't really know who you want to be and 2) that you are still preoccupied that you are different than others. So unfortunately, what actually happens, is that you change to some point, but 1)your change isn't global, since you tend to conform to different people that you are at at different times and 2) since you don't change to one damn thing, you are still believing that you are different. So what you can possibly achieve with this is, emulating socialization. And the problem here is that all these things aren't necessary things you do consciously, but it is possible to happen subconsciously.
And I think that that's my problem here. Doing this got so deep inside me, that I'm semi conforming to the people around me, from the bottom of my heart. That's the reason I can't have permanent relationships with most people:Because after a point, you are supposed to be your real self with your friends... But what if your hole friendship was just build on this emulation? Well, then what happens, is that you're trying to make it more and more and more realistic. But if you make it actually quite realistic, then what's the problem? The problem is, that first of all, this is not the "only self" you have, which means that your behavior is fluctuating, and secondly because of the previous, you are just a hypocrite that in the end is hiding his real self (which you may get to the point, that you can't even identify in the end).

So, after all, although I was under the impression that I was progressing in the social thing, I didn't actually managed to do the difference. So if I'm fundamentally a loner, what can I do? The truth is that it is painful to be alone, but if I can't "connect" to people then what can i possibly do? I don't even have someone to tell me, hey if you ever manage to do this, you'll make it. I just have to make everything myself... And that's what I'll do in the end (if I find the courage, that is).